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I waited at Ruby's for three hours tonight for Staff to arrive. Okay, well, I worked on some writing for two hours and then waited for Staff for the last. Still, three hours sounds so much better. He wanted Pinkberry and I find it unreasonable to say no to such things. We got our amazing-life-changing-yogurt-goodness and went on our outdoor mall walk. I like walking with Staff. He tells me everything I have to say is full of crap. I pretend not to listen to him. It's a great friendship.
The Pinkberry-ness of the evening is almost done and Staff mentions, "Did you know that neuroscientists say men should wear baby powder behind their ear to attract women? That women are drawn to the scent...that whole wanting a baby and nurturing thing." Gross.
Give. Me. A. Break. The steps you men will go to are exhausting. If it takes baby powder behind the ear at a club to mind trap a women into dating you because you think she is baby crazy, you might have the wrong woman. Plus, do you really want crazy-wants-to-make-a-baby-tonight-woman in your bed? Tonight? Think, man. Think!
See, you don't need to trick us into wanting you. We WANT you. We like your scruffy beards. We like your almost wrinkled shirts. We like your suits. We like when you know all the answers and the crinkled look when you sometimes don't. We adore the smell of you not the baby powder jedi mind trick version of you. We like that you smell a little musky and sometimes smell a little like the end of a hard work day. We don't need you to smell like a baby's butt, no. Don't trick us into wanting you. That might work for an evening but if you're looking for anything longer than your 20 minutes of fame, you're going to have to win us over....with you.
And we really, really like....you.
Lessons Learned On Just Your Average Saturday
1. Do not lose your dignity over a parking spot.
Lady A and Lady B? That prime parking spot at Nordstrom Rack in Laguna is not worth killing each other over. Also, you two look really silly having a Mercedes pissing match to see who finally gets the spot. You DO realize both of you will have to walk into the same store and shop in the same aisles in about three minutes, right? Just checkin'.
2. Everyone woman needs a pair of 4 inch leopard heels.
You might think you don't. You might think you're the sensible shoe wearing sort of woman but deep down in that sexy gut of yours you know you are a leopard-heel-gonna-hurt-like-hell-at-the-end-of-the-night wearing girl. They look good on you already. Oh, and remember what my mother taught me...if your shoes are whore-y then tone the rest down. Well, she said to always wear taupe but you get the idea.
3. You don't have to buy everything.
Today I wanted to. I wanted to buy everything. I saw these charcoal pearls and they were long and if I bought four strands of them and looped them twice I would have a work of art around my neck. And then I would need a charcoal gray crew neck sweater to go with it because the only gray sweaters I have at home are light gray, medium gray and almost charcoal gray. Clearly I needed a new one. So, I took my Nordstom cart to the side and stared at my items and asked myself the question that I hate asking, "Do I need this stuff or is it going to end up on the floor with the other twenty sweaters?" I left with just the shoes and a bit more money in my purse. I'm still not sure it was the right decision from a sweater perspective. It is fall, after all and the pearls against my new crew sweater would have been so cool. Shit. I wonder what time they open on Sundays?
4. Never answer when someone asks you, "How old do you think I am?"
Never. I was in Target doing my end of evening stroll and this man was walking the aisles, talking to himself whic h I can't really judge because right now I'm singing holidays tunes to myself. "Just hear those sleigh bells jingling..." is the song of the evening and boo on you if you don't want to listen. Anyway, this guy is about 8 feet tall and has thick matted dark hair and light blue eyes and looks like maybe, just maybe his meds might need adjusting. And he goes up to a Target Guest Service Helper Assister Guy and asks (more like follows), "No, reallly, I'm not walking away until you answer. Tell me how old you think I am. Cause I think I look pretty young." Target Guy makes the grand mistake of answering, "45." Never, ever answer when someone asks you, "How old do you think I am?" Especially when they are 8 feet tall.
5. Be kind to old people at the movies.
I go the indie movies more often than not. And there's a trend. You'd think the theatre would be full of Starving Students or Angry Artsy People or Down With Republicanists. Nope. My theater has a bunch of blue hairs. And they save seats by throwing their super cozy sweaters over three spots. And they yell to their friends arriving late so that the hard of hearing friends can find each other. Sometimes, once all the yelling and settling of the sweaters is done a lovely old couple will walk in. Tonight was one of those nights. It was dark already as the previews had begun and the man appeared to be struggling with walking just enough to make him feel uncomfortable but not enough where it was terribly noticeable. I noticed. I have a dad like that. I could tell it was going to be a huge effort for them to go sit in the front. Sometimes you don't realize how hard it is for a person with limited mobility to take just a few steps. And so, I grabbed my diet coke and my half eaten hot dog and my luggage sized purse, quickly got up and headed to the front. Be kind to people that need spots in movies. Be kind to people that sometimes just need an extra hand or a seat or a gesture. Oh, the ones that talk on the cell phone through the first 20 minutes of the same movie? They can take my cold hard beatdown. I got no love for them. Not on Saturday.
Muahh....
Cole
Some of you men exhaust me. Especially you Match men. You wink, then you IM, or you send an email and then you take another week and send another email.
Haven't any of you worked in a business world before? Are you as inefficient with your business? No wonder Orange County is in such a mess financially.
Just get on with it, will you? See, the thing is I don't want to spend a month getting to know your photo face and then finally meeting you for some coffee and finding out you are a complete bore. And if you happen to be amazing and the best kisser in all of Orange County, I'd rather know that tonight, say in the next 30 minutes rather than wait three weeks to find out.
Shouldn't the kissing commence if there is going to be kissing? I'm telling you. Women in business especially women of the pre middle age sort...well, we could get things done.
So, ask us to go out on a damn date. Don't say, "Maybe we should hang out sometime." Ugh. Hanging out is for kids. Ask me on a real date like a real man would ask. I'll show up like a real women in a skirt and everything.
You might end up with some real making out.
If you IM me to death, you get nothin'.
B and I have much in common including our great appreciation for men. As I’m ought to do, I run through the list of the men in my dating queue. You know…maybe I’m not dating them but we’ve dated before and it’s been amazing and we might date again but we’re not quite sure we’re the right fit for long term.
Play dates. No, not booty calls. That’s so 20’s. I’m pre middle age. I like play dates. And they don’t have to be in bed. Sometimes they are terribly great little dinner dates or drinks at bars or running-into-each-other for kissing dates because in your 30's you are damn busy.
I’m damn busy.
And then, there are the exceptions. Firemen. B and I both have had firemen encounters of the non burning down the house variety.
I leaned in and asked her, "did you sleep with him?" She paused, smiled, sighed and answered, "He's a fireman.".
We both knew that meant yes.
I told B, “you know those boots the firemen put out for fundraisers on the corner…..? It’s like we’re making a donation.”
“Yes, it’s really a civic duty.”
Any of you firemen out there, keep wearing your fire company t-shirts on your off day. Put a picture of you in your uniform on Match.com. Do what you have to do to let us know you’re of the hero sort because chances are, well, very likely chances are, you’ll run into someone willing to donate to a hero cause.
And it’s a very good donation.
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