Courtesy of IT Guy, Mortgage Guy (umm...refinance your almost short sale guy), Paramedic Guy that makes me blush, Costume Clerk, Amazing Assistant and other general Halloween characters.....
1. "Did you decide to be cute or a whore for Halloween? Either way, wear glitter. We like glitter."
2. "There's a Minnie Mouse costume I'd like you put you in. "(said with an I-want-to-take-the-Minnie-costume-off-you-grin)
3. "Oh, be a whore. Please be whore. " Not your typical going to get Starbucks conversation, no.
4. "I need a sexy bunny tail on aisle three." She said the phrase all men feel when they walk down the canned food aisle.
5. "You can see right through this!!!" To her boyfriend as she debated buying the toga dress. I think he really isn't too concerned about coverage.
6. "You either have to be super slutty or really cute. There's no in between. And smell good. And have someone do your makeup. That's the only way to win the contest." I do smell good and I do wear makeup. It's not my fault he sees me at the end of a brutal work day.
7. "So, what's your daughter going to be for Halloween?" She continued to shop in the consignment store with me and said, "I'm a good Christian mom...she's going to be a slutty vampire."
8. fff...ty year old men? Even if you really want to...don't go to the lil bo peep costume section and gaze longingly, alone. Triple Creepy.
9. "Used gas money to buy my Halloween costume. What's new? You'll have to drive to me for the next week. Ask for The Grecian Goddess."
10. My assistant, "Yah, you probably shouldn't be a whore. You work here." More profound than she knows.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Orgasm Cover Man
Ahh....your music is the loudest in the neighborhood and I've always wondered if maybe you had a hearing problem. It's possible.
We are pre middle age and all. That's not the case at all.
It's an Orgasm Cover. And it didn't work tonight.
So, he's playing Top Gun and highway to the danger zone is blaring and I'm wondering why Loud Music Guy is so damn interested in Tom Cruise. He's played this movie often lately. It's raising questions that I didn't want to raise about Loud Music Guy. And then I hear....her.
The moans. Pre Middle Age moans. No, not cougary moans. Moans of a woman around my age and she has every right to moan and I'm glad she feels comfortable and confident moaning but does she have to do it SO loud that it beats out Loud Music Guy's Bose system? Moans THAT loud. And in rhythm? That's a lot for a Sunday. For the Lord's day. She could have at least waited until 12:01 for Makeout Monday.
No, Loud Music Guy your loud music isn't working and you've lost your title of Loud Music Guy. You are heretoestforeveringness known as Orgasm Cover Man. And it's really not working.
And people are walking by. With strollers. Tell her finish and shut it.
Ahh...he just walked out to the balcony. And she's quiet. I think they're done.
Forgive me if I smirk when I see you next. I have a feeling you've got some hidden talents other than your love of all things Tom Cruise.
We are pre middle age and all. That's not the case at all.
It's an Orgasm Cover. And it didn't work tonight.
So, he's playing Top Gun and highway to the danger zone is blaring and I'm wondering why Loud Music Guy is so damn interested in Tom Cruise. He's played this movie often lately. It's raising questions that I didn't want to raise about Loud Music Guy. And then I hear....her.
The moans. Pre Middle Age moans. No, not cougary moans. Moans of a woman around my age and she has every right to moan and I'm glad she feels comfortable and confident moaning but does she have to do it SO loud that it beats out Loud Music Guy's Bose system? Moans THAT loud. And in rhythm? That's a lot for a Sunday. For the Lord's day. She could have at least waited until 12:01 for Makeout Monday.
No, Loud Music Guy your loud music isn't working and you've lost your title of Loud Music Guy. You are heretoestforeveringness known as Orgasm Cover Man. And it's really not working.
And people are walking by. With strollers. Tell her finish and shut it.
Ahh...he just walked out to the balcony. And she's quiet. I think they're done.
Forgive me if I smirk when I see you next. I have a feeling you've got some hidden talents other than your love of all things Tom Cruise.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Go Out on the Damn Date
Some of you men exhaust me. Especially you Match men. You wink, then you IM, or you send an email and then you take another week and send another email.
Haven't any of you worked in a business world before? Are you as inefficient with your business? No wonder Orange County is in such a mess financially.
Just get on with it, will you? See, the thing is I don't want to spend a month getting to know your photo face and then finally meeting you for some coffee and finding out you are a complete bore. And if you happen to be amazing and the best kisser in all of Orange County, I'd rather know that tonight, say in the next 30 minutes rather than wait three weeks to find out.
Shouldn't the kissing commence if there is going to be kissing? I'm telling you. Women in business especially women of the pre middle age sort...well, we could get things done.
So, ask us to go out on a damn date. Don't say, "Maybe we should hang out sometime." Ugh. Hanging out is for kids. Ask me on a real date like a real man would ask. I'll show up like a real women in a skirt and everything.
You might end up with some real making out.
If you IM me to death, you get nothin'.
Haven't any of you worked in a business world before? Are you as inefficient with your business? No wonder Orange County is in such a mess financially.
Just get on with it, will you? See, the thing is I don't want to spend a month getting to know your photo face and then finally meeting you for some coffee and finding out you are a complete bore. And if you happen to be amazing and the best kisser in all of Orange County, I'd rather know that tonight, say in the next 30 minutes rather than wait three weeks to find out.
Shouldn't the kissing commence if there is going to be kissing? I'm telling you. Women in business especially women of the pre middle age sort...well, we could get things done.
So, ask us to go out on a damn date. Don't say, "Maybe we should hang out sometime." Ugh. Hanging out is for kids. Ask me on a real date like a real man would ask. I'll show up like a real women in a skirt and everything.
You might end up with some real making out.
If you IM me to death, you get nothin'.
Dating Firemen. Our Civic Duty.
B and I have much in common including our great appreciation for men. As I’m ought to do, I run through the list of the men in my dating queue. You know…maybe I’m not dating them but we’ve dated before and it’s been amazing and we might date again but we’re not quite sure we’re the right fit for long term.
Play dates. No, not booty calls. That’s so 20’s. I’m pre middle age. I like play dates. And they don’t have to be in bed. Sometimes they are terribly great little dinner dates or drinks at bars or running-into-each-other for kissing dates because in your 30's you are damn busy.
I’m damn busy.
And then, there are the exceptions. Firemen. B and I both have had firemen encounters of the non burning down the house variety.
I leaned in and asked her, "did you sleep with him?" She paused, smiled, sighed and answered, "He's a fireman.".
We both knew that meant yes.
I told B, “you know those boots the firemen put out for fundraisers on the corner…..? It’s like we’re making a donation.”
“Yes, it’s really a civic duty.”
Any of you firemen out there, keep wearing your fire company t-shirts on your off day. Put a picture of you in your uniform on Match.com. Do what you have to do to let us know you’re of the hero sort because chances are, well, very likely chances are, you’ll run into someone willing to donate to a hero cause.
And it’s a very good donation.
Play dates. No, not booty calls. That’s so 20’s. I’m pre middle age. I like play dates. And they don’t have to be in bed. Sometimes they are terribly great little dinner dates or drinks at bars or running-into-each-other for kissing dates because in your 30's you are damn busy.
I’m damn busy.
And then, there are the exceptions. Firemen. B and I both have had firemen encounters of the non burning down the house variety.
I leaned in and asked her, "did you sleep with him?" She paused, smiled, sighed and answered, "He's a fireman.".
We both knew that meant yes.
I told B, “you know those boots the firemen put out for fundraisers on the corner…..? It’s like we’re making a donation.”
“Yes, it’s really a civic duty.”
Any of you firemen out there, keep wearing your fire company t-shirts on your off day. Put a picture of you in your uniform on Match.com. Do what you have to do to let us know you’re of the hero sort because chances are, well, very likely chances are, you’ll run into someone willing to donate to a hero cause.
And it’s a very good donation.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Be Brave Men. Be Brave.
After tonight's event, two of the event directors and I went bar hopping. Umm..to a bar. One bar. There wasn’t really any hopping involved. There were drinks and there was calamari and lots of catching up and a little bit of work but not much. And then, Jack came over.
Jack is ruggedly handsome. He has this sort of reddish beard and bluish eyes and he wrapped his arms around B, one of the event directors and hugged the hell out of her. They’ve known each other awhile and this is B’s territory so she should get the hugging. I get the hugging in Irvine and my restaurants.
Anyway, Jack starts chatting with the three of us and mentions that there was this one pretty blonde (what’s new about that opening line) and he wanted to talk to her but she was in “the diamond lock down formation”. Four women. Blocking Jack. Blocking Jack’s cock. Bringing a swift end to Jack’s evening.
Devastation.
And I look over and roll my chocolate brown eyes and tell him, “Be brave. Just bust through and tell her you wish you had your wingman with you because you’d really like to ask her out.”
The discussion went on for sometime and Jack continued to mull this over. I think there are the brave men and the not brave men and sometimes not brave men can become brave men. Just ask. Just ask her if she wants to go out. She might say yes, You Idiot.
The worst that could happen is you’ll be back at home finishing it off by yourself. Right? Not much change in that from last night, darlin’.
Jack is ruggedly handsome. He has this sort of reddish beard and bluish eyes and he wrapped his arms around B, one of the event directors and hugged the hell out of her. They’ve known each other awhile and this is B’s territory so she should get the hugging. I get the hugging in Irvine and my restaurants.
Anyway, Jack starts chatting with the three of us and mentions that there was this one pretty blonde (what’s new about that opening line) and he wanted to talk to her but she was in “the diamond lock down formation”. Four women. Blocking Jack. Blocking Jack’s cock. Bringing a swift end to Jack’s evening.
Devastation.
And I look over and roll my chocolate brown eyes and tell him, “Be brave. Just bust through and tell her you wish you had your wingman with you because you’d really like to ask her out.”
The discussion went on for sometime and Jack continued to mull this over. I think there are the brave men and the not brave men and sometimes not brave men can become brave men. Just ask. Just ask her if she wants to go out. She might say yes, You Idiot.
The worst that could happen is you’ll be back at home finishing it off by yourself. Right? Not much change in that from last night, darlin’.
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