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Conversation: Even a Caveman Can Do it.
Conversation: It’s to a date what Conan is to the Barbarian; what Murray’s Pomade is to Brian Setzer’s hair; what Bruce Lee is to taking ass and kicking names. I think you get the point… Yeah, it’s that important.
I’m not the best conversationalist in the world. I’d say I’m pretty average. However, in my dating adventures I’ve learned how to converse with people that have varied and disparate interests from my own. One thing that is common from person to person is that, regardless of their shyness, they like to talk about themselves and their interests.
In addition to people wanting to talk about themselves there’s another basic principal that I base my conversation philosophy on: Open and Closed questions. Questions and answers are the basis of most any conversation; generally used to continue or initiate a conversation. Knowing the difference between the two can help you to identify where you might be failing in conversation. Also finding balance in the conversation is key. You don’t want to dominate or be dominated in the conversation. Finding the right mix is impossible; however, finding something close is pretty easy.
Closed Questions
There are two definitions that are used to describe closed questions. One such definition is that a closed question can be answered with either a single word answer or short phrase response or can be answered with a “yes” or a “no.” Generally speaking, if you’re on a date you want to engage your date and be engaged by them. As such, closed questions should be used to open a conversation; otherwise they should be kept at a minimum unless you have other follow up questions ready to go.
Some closed questions would be: ‘How are you?’ or ‘How old are you?’ and ‘is that a spork in front of you?’
Closed questions, in summary, can be used best when opening a conversation. For example, ‘Isn’t it a nice day?’ or ‘Where do you live?’ Closed questions can also be used to test for understanding as well, to ensure that you understand your date. And, if you’re a manipulative terd, then closed questions could be used to set a mood or even suggest a certain outcome… It’s all in the delivery and how you ask these questions; and I’m not really here to tell you how to manipulate people. If I knew how I’d be earning a hefty pay check and not writing blogs.
Open Questions.
An open question seeks, as its purpose, a lengthy response; quite the opposite of a closed question. Open questions require one to think and reflect; they require one to share opinions and feelings; and, most importantly, they allow one to pass control of the conversation to one another.
Some questions that fall in this category are: ‘How do you keep focused on school?’ ‘What do you do for fun in your spare time?’ and ‘What did you do this week?’ These questions require reflection and thought and will give you a lengthier response. Such questions usually begin with: How, what, what and describe. But certainly there are a lot of ways to initiate an open question.
Open questions, as I stated, pass control and allow one to share the conversation with another person, in this case, their date. It can be scary to do that, though. However, a well-placed question leaves you in control as you can potentially steer their interest and engage them where you are most comfortable with them.
Balance, it’s not just about getting the right amount of Fiber in your diet.
As for finding a good balance in conversation between two people on a date there’s really no magic “rule,” so to speak. But mixing in a couple closed questions with an open question seems to work well for me… However, I find that if you are able to get your date to ask YOU open questions then you’re definitely on the right track. This empowers you to intrigue you date with your wit, charm and awful jokes or intrigue your date with incomplete stories.
1. Get Out of BJ Pass: One night that’s selfishly all about us with none of your ulterior motives, you sly dog, you.
2. For you to tell your mom to mind her own damn business. (Voice not quivering and balls not shriveled in fear, please)
3. A plasma that only gets Bravo.
4. Victoria’s Secret lingerie that unsnaps at the crotch for the sole purpose of urinating.
5. Someone to follow behind you and clean the crap you leave in the microwave…EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU USE IT.
6. A shield, perhaps from Brookstone, to avert eyes when you commence with The Scratching of The Balls.
7. A sexy, slightly unshaven man to whisper sweet nothings in my ear while you watch porn, Sunday football or the same episode of CSI for the 98th time.
8. Dinner at a restaurant that isn’t known for breadsticks, alfredo sauce, all-you-can-eat salad or McAnything.
9. For you to not be an ass to my girlfriends the two times a quarter I bring you out of your cage.
10. That engagement ring if you’ll finally man up and propose. Oh, and don’t you dare #$% it up and get me the wrong one or I’ll beat your ass.
*Cole is neither engaged, getting engaged or threatening engagement on anyone….umm..not today anyway. She would like a plasma that gets only Bravo but the rest of this list is merely a dream.
Online Dating: What to Say in a First Message
Online dating is cool. I like it because it’s very convenient. You can check out profiles at any time you like and pick and choose what you’re looking for. It’s kind of like Eugenics… But, um, not really… Well, it kinda sorta IS to a degree. Let’s not belabor the point any further. Okay? Good. Even though online dating is convenient it, too, poses many challenges. The first being: Getting past the first message. How does one hope to elicit a response from the object of their desire? I’ve got a few tips gathered from a few different sources on this topic. You’ll be surprised what you find out…
Know your, you’re, their, they’re, there aka have a firm grasp of the English language!
This one should go without saying, but people don’t want to read “netspeak.” No one wants to read:
“Hey baby wut r u doin? Ur so sExy!”
So take time to spell check. Maybe even have a friend proof read if your grammar skills are less gooder than most. People like a sense of humor and trying to put that through with sub par grammar will surely cause you to fail. Plus, bad grammar tends to make you look dumb…
Avoid Complimenting Physical Attributes.
Sure, you’ve been there. You find a profile that you like, great pics and you are just all about this person. You want to let them know what you think. For guys, it’s probably not a good idea to tell a woman such things right off the bat. Engage their personality and their intellect. For the ladies, they can get away with complimenting a guy more than men could with women. Women tend to scoff at guys when they receive a message containing compliments of their attributes… Instead, be a little vaguer with your compliments, if you feel compelled to give them. Instead of telling someone they’re sexy, tell them they are fascinating, awesome or cool and point out something they wrote on their profile.
Keep the Game in the Web Site.
At some point you’ll meet someone online that you click with. Through the nature of “getting-to-know-you-convo” you and your cyber beau will outgrow communicating through the site you met on. You may call, email or IM. That’s fine and dandy but don’t go asking for a phone number, IM or anything else in your first message. It’s probably wise to hold off the first couple of messages before you initiate that next step of contact. The reason is that people enjoy the anonymity that online dating sites offer. People can be free to browse and chat as they wish, by their own means. For women I think that’s an especially important aspect of online dating because it gives them a lot of control and they can feel safe with those they choose to communicate with. When you go asking for phone numbers and IMs right off the bat not only can a person feel uncomfortable with the request, but they also don’t know you well enough. So why are they going to bother? In fact, you may find that you get no response in return. Be patient and hang in there. You’ll get that number, it takes time.
Be Creative with Your Opening Greeting.
Try bucking the standard greetings like, “Hello” or “Hey there.” Try something different and non-offensive. Though, that seems like a given, doesn’t it? You’d be surprised how many people espouse their love of thievery and baby tossing in their first message.
To that end try starting with something slightly silly like “Howdy,” or “How’s it going?” or even the simple “Yo.” Now, these aren’t guaranteed responses, but throwing something out there and being different does help. Be creative and see what responses you get.
Talk About Specifics.
This one should go without saying, alas, it does not. A lot of times people will message someone without looking at their profile. It shows a lack of consideration on the side of the message sender.
To that point, it’s far better to talk about specific details on a person’s profile such as music, activities, travel or whatever it is that the person you are messaging is into. Bands, books and travel tend to be great conversation pieces and have a chance at getting better responses than bringing up someone’s looks. Asking questions about things a person says in their profile is great, too! It shows you really took time to comb over a person’s profile.
Be Modest… But Still Be Confident.
It could be that appearing modest and, to a lesser degree, somewhat unsure makes the writer seem more vulnerable and less threatening. It’s easier to be approached by this sort of person as they don’t conjure up images of the dude rubbing up on a random girl at a club… Saying something like, “I’m sure you hear this a lot but…” or “I’m not sure” or even “I wasn’t going to message you but…” Those all may seem like weak things to say in a message, but being modest can still make someone come off as genuinely nice and amiable.
Keep it Brief.
There’s something to be said for brevity. No one wants to read your life story or philosophies right off the bat. Keep it short and sweet and to the point. If you’re looking for a word count, try to keep it between three and four hundred words. That is a couple paragraphs of witty soul-mate catching copy. Anything more can have the effect of making you seem obsessed or that you have an odd growth on your face. Eeeewwwww. Gross!
Until next time, have fun out there.
Visit The Urban Dater for your latest dating tips and relationship advice.
I waited at Ruby's for three hours tonight for Staff to arrive. Okay, well, I worked on some writing for two hours and then waited for Staff for the last. Still, three hours sounds so much better. He wanted Pinkberry and I find it unreasonable to say no to such things. We got our amazing-life-changing-yogurt-goodness and went on our outdoor mall walk. I like walking with Staff. He tells me everything I have to say is full of crap. I pretend not to listen to him. It's a great friendship.
The Pinkberry-ness of the evening is almost done and Staff mentions, "Did you know that neuroscientists say men should wear baby powder behind their ear to attract women? That women are drawn to the scent...that whole wanting a baby and nurturing thing." Gross.
Give. Me. A. Break. The steps you men will go to are exhausting. If it takes baby powder behind the ear at a club to mind trap a women into dating you because you think she is baby crazy, you might have the wrong woman. Plus, do you really want crazy-wants-to-make-a-baby-tonight-woman in your bed? Tonight? Think, man. Think!
See, you don't need to trick us into wanting you. We WANT you. We like your scruffy beards. We like your almost wrinkled shirts. We like your suits. We like when you know all the answers and the crinkled look when you sometimes don't. We adore the smell of you not the baby powder jedi mind trick version of you. We like that you smell a little musky and sometimes smell a little like the end of a hard work day. We don't need you to smell like a baby's butt, no. Don't trick us into wanting you. That might work for an evening but if you're looking for anything longer than your 20 minutes of fame, you're going to have to win us over....with you.
And we really, really like....you.
Lessons Learned On Just Your Average Saturday
1. Do not lose your dignity over a parking spot.
Lady A and Lady B? That prime parking spot at Nordstrom Rack in Laguna is not worth killing each other over. Also, you two look really silly having a Mercedes pissing match to see who finally gets the spot. You DO realize both of you will have to walk into the same store and shop in the same aisles in about three minutes, right? Just checkin'.
2. Everyone woman needs a pair of 4 inch leopard heels.
You might think you don't. You might think you're the sensible shoe wearing sort of woman but deep down in that sexy gut of yours you know you are a leopard-heel-gonna-hurt-like-hell-at-the-end-of-the-night wearing girl. They look good on you already. Oh, and remember what my mother taught me...if your shoes are whore-y then tone the rest down. Well, she said to always wear taupe but you get the idea.
3. You don't have to buy everything.
Today I wanted to. I wanted to buy everything. I saw these charcoal pearls and they were long and if I bought four strands of them and looped them twice I would have a work of art around my neck. And then I would need a charcoal gray crew neck sweater to go with it because the only gray sweaters I have at home are light gray, medium gray and almost charcoal gray. Clearly I needed a new one. So, I took my Nordstom cart to the side and stared at my items and asked myself the question that I hate asking, "Do I need this stuff or is it going to end up on the floor with the other twenty sweaters?" I left with just the shoes and a bit more money in my purse. I'm still not sure it was the right decision from a sweater perspective. It is fall, after all and the pearls against my new crew sweater would have been so cool. Shit. I wonder what time they open on Sundays?
4. Never answer when someone asks you, "How old do you think I am?"
Never. I was in Target doing my end of evening stroll and this man was walking the aisles, talking to himself whic h I can't really judge because right now I'm singing holidays tunes to myself. "Just hear those sleigh bells jingling..." is the song of the evening and boo on you if you don't want to listen. Anyway, this guy is about 8 feet tall and has thick matted dark hair and light blue eyes and looks like maybe, just maybe his meds might need adjusting. And he goes up to a Target Guest Service Helper Assister Guy and asks (more like follows), "No, reallly, I'm not walking away until you answer. Tell me how old you think I am. Cause I think I look pretty young." Target Guy makes the grand mistake of answering, "45." Never, ever answer when someone asks you, "How old do you think I am?" Especially when they are 8 feet tall.
5. Be kind to old people at the movies.
I go the indie movies more often than not. And there's a trend. You'd think the theatre would be full of Starving Students or Angry Artsy People or Down With Republicanists. Nope. My theater has a bunch of blue hairs. And they save seats by throwing their super cozy sweaters over three spots. And they yell to their friends arriving late so that the hard of hearing friends can find each other. Sometimes, once all the yelling and settling of the sweaters is done a lovely old couple will walk in. Tonight was one of those nights. It was dark already as the previews had begun and the man appeared to be struggling with walking just enough to make him feel uncomfortable but not enough where it was terribly noticeable. I noticed. I have a dad like that. I could tell it was going to be a huge effort for them to go sit in the front. Sometimes you don't realize how hard it is for a person with limited mobility to take just a few steps. And so, I grabbed my diet coke and my half eaten hot dog and my luggage sized purse, quickly got up and headed to the front. Be kind to people that need spots in movies. Be kind to people that sometimes just need an extra hand or a seat or a gesture. Oh, the ones that talk on the cell phone through the first 20 minutes of the same movie? They can take my cold hard beatdown. I got no love for them. Not on Saturday.
Muahh....
Cole
Courtesy of IT Guy, Mortgage Guy (umm...refinance your almost short sale guy), Paramedic Guy that makes me blush, Costume Clerk, Amazing Assistant and other general Halloween characters.....
1. "Did you decide to be cute or a whore for Halloween? Either way, wear glitter. We like glitter."
2. "There's a Minnie Mouse costume I'd like you put you in. "(said with an I-want-to-take-the-Minnie-costume-off-you-grin)
3. "Oh, be a whore. Please be whore. " Not your typical going to get Starbucks conversation, no.
4. "I need a sexy bunny tail on aisle three." She said the phrase all men feel when they walk down the canned food aisle.
5. "You can see right through this!!!" To her boyfriend as she debated buying the toga dress. I think he really isn't too concerned about coverage.
6. "You either have to be super slutty or really cute. There's no in between. And smell good. And have someone do your makeup. That's the only way to win the contest." I do smell good and I do wear makeup. It's not my fault he sees me at the end of a brutal work day.
7. "So, what's your daughter going to be for Halloween?" She continued to shop in the consignment store with me and said, "I'm a good Christian mom...she's going to be a slutty vampire."
8. fff...ty year old men? Even if you really want to...don't go to the lil bo peep costume section and gaze longingly, alone. Triple Creepy.
9. "Used gas money to buy my Halloween costume. What's new? You'll have to drive to me for the next week. Ask for The Grecian Goddess."
10. My assistant, "Yah, you probably shouldn't be a whore. You work here." More profound than she knows.
Ahh....your music is the loudest in the neighborhood and I've always wondered if maybe you had a hearing problem. It's possible.
We are pre middle age and all. That's not the case at all.
It's an Orgasm Cover. And it didn't work tonight.
So, he's playing Top Gun and highway to the danger zone is blaring and I'm wondering why Loud Music Guy is so damn interested in Tom Cruise. He's played this movie often lately. It's raising questions that I didn't want to raise about Loud Music Guy. And then I hear....her.
The moans. Pre Middle Age moans. No, not cougary moans. Moans of a woman around my age and she has every right to moan and I'm glad she feels comfortable and confident moaning but does she have to do it SO loud that it beats out Loud Music Guy's Bose system? Moans THAT loud. And in rhythm? That's a lot for a Sunday. For the Lord's day. She could have at least waited until 12:01 for Makeout Monday.
No, Loud Music Guy your loud music isn't working and you've lost your title of Loud Music Guy. You are heretoestforeveringness known as Orgasm Cover Man. And it's really not working.
And people are walking by. With strollers. Tell her finish and shut it.
Ahh...he just walked out to the balcony. And she's quiet. I think they're done.
Forgive me if I smirk when I see you next. I have a feeling you've got some hidden talents other than your love of all things Tom Cruise.
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