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Conversation: Even a Caveman Can Do it.
Conversation: It’s to a date what Conan is to the Barbarian; what Murray’s Pomade is to Brian Setzer’s hair; what Bruce Lee is to taking ass and kicking names. I think you get the point… Yeah, it’s that important.
I’m not the best conversationalist in the world. I’d say I’m pretty average. However, in my dating adventures I’ve learned how to converse with people that have varied and disparate interests from my own. One thing that is common from person to person is that, regardless of their shyness, they like to talk about themselves and their interests.
In addition to people wanting to talk about themselves there’s another basic principal that I base my conversation philosophy on: Open and Closed questions. Questions and answers are the basis of most any conversation; generally used to continue or initiate a conversation. Knowing the difference between the two can help you to identify where you might be failing in conversation. Also finding balance in the conversation is key. You don’t want to dominate or be dominated in the conversation. Finding the right mix is impossible; however, finding something close is pretty easy.
Closed Questions
There are two definitions that are used to describe closed questions. One such definition is that a closed question can be answered with either a single word answer or short phrase response or can be answered with a “yes” or a “no.” Generally speaking, if you’re on a date you want to engage your date and be engaged by them. As such, closed questions should be used to open a conversation; otherwise they should be kept at a minimum unless you have other follow up questions ready to go.
Some closed questions would be: ‘How are you?’ or ‘How old are you?’ and ‘is that a spork in front of you?’
Closed questions, in summary, can be used best when opening a conversation. For example, ‘Isn’t it a nice day?’ or ‘Where do you live?’ Closed questions can also be used to test for understanding as well, to ensure that you understand your date. And, if you’re a manipulative terd, then closed questions could be used to set a mood or even suggest a certain outcome… It’s all in the delivery and how you ask these questions; and I’m not really here to tell you how to manipulate people. If I knew how I’d be earning a hefty pay check and not writing blogs.
Open Questions.
An open question seeks, as its purpose, a lengthy response; quite the opposite of a closed question. Open questions require one to think and reflect; they require one to share opinions and feelings; and, most importantly, they allow one to pass control of the conversation to one another.
Some questions that fall in this category are: ‘How do you keep focused on school?’ ‘What do you do for fun in your spare time?’ and ‘What did you do this week?’ These questions require reflection and thought and will give you a lengthier response. Such questions usually begin with: How, what, what and describe. But certainly there are a lot of ways to initiate an open question.
Open questions, as I stated, pass control and allow one to share the conversation with another person, in this case, their date. It can be scary to do that, though. However, a well-placed question leaves you in control as you can potentially steer their interest and engage them where you are most comfortable with them.
Balance, it’s not just about getting the right amount of Fiber in your diet.
As for finding a good balance in conversation between two people on a date there’s really no magic “rule,” so to speak. But mixing in a couple closed questions with an open question seems to work well for me… However, I find that if you are able to get your date to ask YOU open questions then you’re definitely on the right track. This empowers you to intrigue you date with your wit, charm and awful jokes or intrigue your date with incomplete stories.
1. Get Out of BJ Pass: One night that’s selfishly all about us with none of your ulterior motives, you sly dog, you.
2. For you to tell your mom to mind her own damn business. (Voice not quivering and balls not shriveled in fear, please)
3. A plasma that only gets Bravo.
4. Victoria’s Secret lingerie that unsnaps at the crotch for the sole purpose of urinating.
5. Someone to follow behind you and clean the crap you leave in the microwave…EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU USE IT.
6. A shield, perhaps from Brookstone, to avert eyes when you commence with The Scratching of The Balls.
7. A sexy, slightly unshaven man to whisper sweet nothings in my ear while you watch porn, Sunday football or the same episode of CSI for the 98th time.
8. Dinner at a restaurant that isn’t known for breadsticks, alfredo sauce, all-you-can-eat salad or McAnything.
9. For you to not be an ass to my girlfriends the two times a quarter I bring you out of your cage.
10. That engagement ring if you’ll finally man up and propose. Oh, and don’t you dare #$% it up and get me the wrong one or I’ll beat your ass.
*Cole is neither engaged, getting engaged or threatening engagement on anyone….umm..not today anyway. She would like a plasma that gets only Bravo but the rest of this list is merely a dream.
Online Dating: What to Say in a First Message
Online dating is cool. I like it because it’s very convenient. You can check out profiles at any time you like and pick and choose what you’re looking for. It’s kind of like Eugenics… But, um, not really… Well, it kinda sorta IS to a degree. Let’s not belabor the point any further. Okay? Good. Even though online dating is convenient it, too, poses many challenges. The first being: Getting past the first message. How does one hope to elicit a response from the object of their desire? I’ve got a few tips gathered from a few different sources on this topic. You’ll be surprised what you find out…
Know your, you’re, their, they’re, there aka have a firm grasp of the English language!
This one should go without saying, but people don’t want to read “netspeak.” No one wants to read:
“Hey baby wut r u doin? Ur so sExy!”
So take time to spell check. Maybe even have a friend proof read if your grammar skills are less gooder than most. People like a sense of humor and trying to put that through with sub par grammar will surely cause you to fail. Plus, bad grammar tends to make you look dumb…
Avoid Complimenting Physical Attributes.
Sure, you’ve been there. You find a profile that you like, great pics and you are just all about this person. You want to let them know what you think. For guys, it’s probably not a good idea to tell a woman such things right off the bat. Engage their personality and their intellect. For the ladies, they can get away with complimenting a guy more than men could with women. Women tend to scoff at guys when they receive a message containing compliments of their attributes… Instead, be a little vaguer with your compliments, if you feel compelled to give them. Instead of telling someone they’re sexy, tell them they are fascinating, awesome or cool and point out something they wrote on their profile.
Keep the Game in the Web Site.
At some point you’ll meet someone online that you click with. Through the nature of “getting-to-know-you-convo” you and your cyber beau will outgrow communicating through the site you met on. You may call, email or IM. That’s fine and dandy but don’t go asking for a phone number, IM or anything else in your first message. It’s probably wise to hold off the first couple of messages before you initiate that next step of contact. The reason is that people enjoy the anonymity that online dating sites offer. People can be free to browse and chat as they wish, by their own means. For women I think that’s an especially important aspect of online dating because it gives them a lot of control and they can feel safe with those they choose to communicate with. When you go asking for phone numbers and IMs right off the bat not only can a person feel uncomfortable with the request, but they also don’t know you well enough. So why are they going to bother? In fact, you may find that you get no response in return. Be patient and hang in there. You’ll get that number, it takes time.
Be Creative with Your Opening Greeting.
Try bucking the standard greetings like, “Hello” or “Hey there.” Try something different and non-offensive. Though, that seems like a given, doesn’t it? You’d be surprised how many people espouse their love of thievery and baby tossing in their first message.
To that end try starting with something slightly silly like “Howdy,” or “How’s it going?” or even the simple “Yo.” Now, these aren’t guaranteed responses, but throwing something out there and being different does help. Be creative and see what responses you get.
Talk About Specifics.
This one should go without saying, alas, it does not. A lot of times people will message someone without looking at their profile. It shows a lack of consideration on the side of the message sender.
To that point, it’s far better to talk about specific details on a person’s profile such as music, activities, travel or whatever it is that the person you are messaging is into. Bands, books and travel tend to be great conversation pieces and have a chance at getting better responses than bringing up someone’s looks. Asking questions about things a person says in their profile is great, too! It shows you really took time to comb over a person’s profile.
Be Modest… But Still Be Confident.
It could be that appearing modest and, to a lesser degree, somewhat unsure makes the writer seem more vulnerable and less threatening. It’s easier to be approached by this sort of person as they don’t conjure up images of the dude rubbing up on a random girl at a club… Saying something like, “I’m sure you hear this a lot but…” or “I’m not sure” or even “I wasn’t going to message you but…” Those all may seem like weak things to say in a message, but being modest can still make someone come off as genuinely nice and amiable.
Keep it Brief.
There’s something to be said for brevity. No one wants to read your life story or philosophies right off the bat. Keep it short and sweet and to the point. If you’re looking for a word count, try to keep it between three and four hundred words. That is a couple paragraphs of witty soul-mate catching copy. Anything more can have the effect of making you seem obsessed or that you have an odd growth on your face. Eeeewwwww. Gross!
Until next time, have fun out there.
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